Foolish questions

There was once a boy who didn't really know what to do with himself. He also couldn't handle not knowing what to do with himself, so he tried to fill up his days with this and that, so there would no silence for the questions to start eating at him. But, keeping busy cannot be done perpetually, and eventually, he burnt out and needed rest. As a result, the boy found himself with more time than sense to know what to do with it, and the questions came with greater confidence, arguing with each other as to which part of the boy's soul they were going to devour.
Full of bravado, one question said; "Ha! I fancy the look of his love for God. I'd like to eat that, and leave him with nothing". And so the question began to eat. And eat. Eat eat eat. Until he realised that he had mistaken his meal. "I don't think this soul contains love for God at all!" it exclaimed. The question began to feel very ill; it's sight began to get blurry and everything became indistinct.
"You know what, I think it was God's love for this boy's soul that I've been feasting on all along. I feel so full.... so...full.." and so the question died. The other questions took one look at the dead question, the one that fell flat and bloated, defeated by love of God - and made a swift exit.

the Christmas album of happiness

Last year, my talented family made a collection of songs titled the 'Christmas Album of Happiness'. It really gets me in the mood for Christmas, as it combines three of the coolest things about it - music, laughter and family. I'm listening to it almost every day on the run-up.. just like last year! Enjoy...

Christmas is for...

Christmas is for me!
Christmas is for children
Christmas is for presents
Christmas is for moments
Christmas is for family
Christmas is for cards
Christmas is for early mornings
Christmas is for holidays
Christmas is for films on TV
Christmas is for Jesus
Christmas is for reflection
Christmas is for suckers
Christmas is not for me
Christmas is for happy people
Christmas is for consumerists
Christmas is for nostalgia
Christmas is for the story of easter
Christmas is for expectations
Christmas is for reunions
Christmas is for the young
Christmas is for the glory of God
Christmas is for everyone
Christmas is for everyone and for the glory of God


All of these are different ways I have thought about Christmas in the years gone by. I wonder what my response will be this year to Christmas.

What is Christmas about for you?

trying not to be a semipermeable membrane

Whatever God decides to put into my heart, He means to leave it there for good, and doesn't mean for me to disregard what he places in me. I don't want to receive truth and be leaky with it at the same time. If it stays rooted in there, then one day if there's no room for more, then maybe some old unwanted stuff will just fall out, and that's fine by me.

Heart; listen to my head when it says "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

forever living, forever dying

 My church in Swindon gave an great preach today, calling on us all to wonder 'is our faith in Jesus Christ genuine?'. Such preaches have the chance to condemn if they aren't too careful, but the passage of James that the premise comes from is actually meant to challenge and lift Christians out of settling for a mediocrity in their lives, when we consider that Jesus offers 'life in its fullness'. During this week I had been doing some heart searching about what really makes me a Christian, and how I would be able to say that I am Christian. What the guy speaking today helpfully put across, is that making a dedication way back when, just the once, when I was six years old to follow Jesus, is not enough. Why is it not enough to justify that I am saved? Because following Jesus is continual, and that when we give our lives to Him we give it all, the present and the days to come. So Christians continually give it to God, otherwise we are only giving a part of our timeframe to Christ, making up only a part of our life. So, every day is a conscious decision whether or not to live in fellowship with God and in the good of his ways. We don't have to do works in order to attain salvation, but we can work his ways out because we just actually want to. Every day, we can choose to die to our old selves and old patterns of behaviour, and nail it to the cross again. We are raised with Jesus into life again, not bound by the day before, or of sins past gone, but by what God has in store for us next.


After all, the people around us who aren't Christians won't care much about what I was like when I was little boy when I first wanted to become a Christian - what they see now is what they will make their minds up about, as to whether there is anything in it or not. Ultimately, challenging people to ask themselves if their faith is genuine helps God's purposes, by urging Christians to be the people that actively let other people see God's love for all mankind. It lets God be far bigger than we might previously allow him to be in our lives, and in the other lives that are impacted from us as a result.

"If Christ be anything, he must be everything" - Charles Spurgeon

brighton

I've got a new hobby - whenever I see something weird or witness an odd or quirky situation, I describe it as Brighton.

real life e.g. Seeing two ferrets being walked on leads in the town centre, that is a bit Brighton!

There was a recent article on BBC about Paulo di Canio unwittingly doing a half-marathon because he took in a wrong turning in a 2-mile fun run. Now that is Brighton and a half! I guess using it in my vocabulary helps to miss Brighton less, it remains around in my life, through all the zany things that I see.

"Keep singing of the cross" released today!

Reading Family Church have had a CD long in the making, recording homegrown songs from worship leaders Josh John and Kat Starling. Today, marking RFC's 10th anniversary, they are proud to announce it has been finished! They are giving it out for free as part of the celebration at Reading town hall, and making it available for free at the RFC bandcamp page! I really enjoyed getting on board for the drumming of this, sharing recording duties with band Y drummer Rob who put in some fantastic rhythms. I pray the songs will be used far and wide for worshipping God, churches and elsewhere!

cycling

Before going to the swindon parkrun, I decided to cycle to a local car boot sale. Unfortunately, the opening time for it was 9am and not 6am.. which was the time that I was there for. Whoops. I cycled back home in a lax fashion not really looking where I was going, until the predictable happened - I got lost. Serves me right for not paying attention eh! Still, guess I'm just finding my way around the new town, right? Right?? Well.. not being quite with it when cycling to parkrun, I managed to get lost a second time!
I had a look to see if I could log my complete cycling route on google maps. Click to make large..


Here's what my route Should Have looked like - a nice crescent moon ish shape..

...And heres what Actually happened! as if it was drawn from my non writing hand..

In total, google says my wanderings away from the path added an extra 4 miles to my journey... I know why I want an afternoon nap then!

invisible

National Geographic's posted this on my facebook:

Friday Fact: About 95 percent of the stuff in the universe is invisible.

So there's plenty of things that exist yet are invisible in the universe. Empty space is still an empty space, in that it has a definition, so it Has definition. However, it is difficult to relate to invisible things, because we were born with eyes that like to see things for themselves.

It says of Jesus in Colossians;
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

What was once a high and lofty notion now becomes a rough and ready reality in the form of Jesus. Taking on physical form allows him to relate to us in a way that we wouldnt usually describe a relationship with God. Not that God is learning anything new about us - more that we find it easier to trust something tangible than follow something invisible.

press the 'A' button to...

I was reading an article on the 5 creepy ways video games are trying to get you addicted , which centred on how some games manage to take hold of people's lives way beyond the point of when they last really enjoyed playing. It homes in on many biblical principles about humanity and slavery without even realising. To save you from reading something far geekier than your cool selves would allow, here's some highlights;

"When you level up in WoW a goddamned plume of golden light shoots out of your body. This is what most of us don't get in everyday life--quick, tangible rewards. It's less about instant gratification and more about a freaking sense of accomplishment. How much harder would we work at the office if we got this, and could measure our progress toward it? And what if the light shot from our crotch?"

"A whole lot of the "guy who failed all of his classes because he was playing WoW all the time" horror stories are really just about a dude who simply didn't like his classes very much. This was never some dystopian mind control scheme by Blizzard. The games just filled a void."

"The terrible truth is that a whole lot of us begged for a Skinner Box we could crawl into, because the real world's system of rewards is so much more slow and cruel than we expected it to be. In that, gaming is no different from other forms of mental escape, from sports fandom to moonshine."

The world is a hard sell, full of ways to feel like we gain skills, accomplish something, be part of something. As I alluded to in my last post, I find it easy to concentrate on my actions, the things that I do, and find a sense of accomplishment (or failure) through doing, rather than through the things I do not do. That's because of things like videogames, where you gain levels by actions, making your enemy pokemon faint, killing A.I in various different ways, and multiple numbers of times. Lots of games come with a pre-defined "action button"! There aren't many games that reward their players for standing around not doing much.

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble"

Seeking after God in your life is more than just actions though. Often, He will call us to rely less on our actions and see what he has done, making us depend on his actions and his accomplishments first.

"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Or, what about,
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

This scripture is a massive promise! But it requires saying no to impure activity, and cultivating a life that says no to things that aren't good for us. (Note, only God working in us makes this possible! But we have a co-operating part to play). I think the easist way to motivate a pure heart is to consider resistance against the devil and his schemes as an action, however mundane or passive this resistance may be. I could turn off my computer because I know I don't want to stay up too late on the internet - but I know that I'm not going to consider myself an amazing hero if I do. Its not the kind of massive action that videogames would make a song and dance about and level up to over 9,000! But, for God, this is exactly how he sees it.

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

He longs to see the truth displayed on his earth - amongst Christians, that we may be overwhelmed and in awe of God together, and also where there is no light, so that there is hope for those who have never seen God.

dale farm

Does anyone remember watching a program about dale farm, the largest traveller site in the U.K?

there's been some further developments about it, shown on this bbc news page.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-14728042

Developing heavily on a greenbelt (as they have done) is certainly not 'doing things by the book', but flat out bulldozing the homes of 80 people seems heartless. If anyone is to blame, it's the council for failing the villagers and the travellers. They could've made up their minds on a decision one way or another from the day the travellers started building, while the stakes were still low. Instead they dragged their heels and let the situation become a lot more destructive through their inactivity. A stark reminder perhaps, that sin doesn't have to be an active "something that I did" but also a passive "what I didn't do", and can have just as devastating an effect.

A Harry Potter book once explained that the house elf Kreacher's loathing for Sirius was due to Sirius's passivity towards the house elf, which was pithily put like this: "Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike."

information matters

I watched a pretty cool documentary on iplayer about Stephen Hawking and one of his more controversial theories, found here.

Its mainly to do with a theory called the Information Paradox he made over 30 years ago about intrinsic information in matter, that when matter is taken in to a black hole, the information is lost - i.e no data can be retrieved, that matter is destroyed. Say for example if you smashed a chocolate egg even into millions of little pieces, you could (with time and an eye for pedantry) collect all the pieces and put it together again, to make the chocolate egg good as new. Not so with matter going into a black hole, so goes the theory, the matter just disappears. Its highly controversial and physicists have clamoured over proving him wrong. Why? Well, here's some of the implications if the theory was true, in Hawking's own words:

"Scientists usually assume there is a unique correspondence between the past and the future, cause and effect. But if information is lost, this is not the case. one wouldn't be able to predict the future with certainty, and one couldn't be sure what happened in the past."

In the end, scientists disregarded this paradox in favour of other more plausible explanations, and indeed Hawking conceded to say that he thought he was wrong too. However, I'm quite intrigued by what he said about loss of information - and it's implications.

"one couldn't be sure what happened in the past."

If matter information was lost, then there would be matter information that scientists would not be able to study, hence closing the door for being able to study everything about the universe, therefore giving a limit to the amount that we can study about the universe. Like if I was to read a book while the author was tipp-exing bits out just as you were reading it. We'd get bits of glorious understanding even if we had a whole page that was not tampered with, but unable to see the whole picture that the original book would give.

"one wouldn't be able to predict the future with certainty"

Equally the lack of information would hit hard on the end-time fire and brimstone zealots, who would as a result would not be able to predict an end time event based on the things that have already occurred, as we have not seen the full picture of the things that have already occurred, what with some of the information relating to the past being lost to black holes. You could even say that the most scientifically plausible origin of the universe, the big bang (one of Hawking's ideas) comes into question itself. Without the full information available before the black holes in the universe started taking them away, the start event of the universe could look a lot different than with the cue cards we've been given. It's difficult to understand just how much matter information could have been lost between a universe start event and the present time. What if it was over half, or even more, and our universe is a dead husk compared to many many years ago? Or, what if the amount is so minimal that we have the picture of the universe like a 1000 piece puzzle with only one piece missing?

Either way, all these 'ifs' come from the perspective of matter information being lost, which, as I have mentioned, is not accepted in scientific circles as a viable way to approach black hole physics. But I am glad that a product of Stephen Hawking's thinking has provided a backdrop for discussion into a potential limit to human scientist discovery and a dent to Christian know-it-all pride, all in one fell swoop.

don't get cocky, kid - all christians are looters.

In this crisis, I've been constantly reminded of the status of the Christian and of grace.
Christians are Christians not by merit or through being good, but because of the cross, by the act of Jesus taking on our sins and paying the punishment of death for them, that we may live without our debt of sin. So, this gift of grace, of second chances, of a new life walking with God, starts with a gift Given to us by God.

It is a gift that came from a great battle and victory won by God against sin and death. Humanity as the spectators get the chance to wear his name, and receive this gift of grace and favour, as if it were spoils of war, akin to looting the dead of their possessions. What God has given us is unmerited, we did not deserve to have it, nor were we entitled to it, in the same way that a rioter has no rightful entitlement to someone else's possessions without paying. It was an act of God's mercy that we should ever be called Christians, and as Christ followers we live in the blessing and the spoil of a great war won on our behalf. We couldn't win any battle against sin without God.

Because of this identity, I can look at the people rioting in England in a different light. Not one of hatred, although no one can like what is going on, but also look upon the rioters with a sense of sadness and loss, that they aren't won for God - yet. They chose their plunder to be earthly possessions and, unless God moves, it will be their own undoing. They look to gain what the world offers, at the expense of their soul. They too were looking for the things that they don't deserve. As they chose to base it on perishable things, then "even what they have will be taken away from them". After all, who can keep their possessions after death? Can we pray for a reversal, that they would seek after the things of the Lord, "that moth and rust will not destroy, that theives will not break in and steal?" Christians receive mercy and grace on a daily basis. Christians don't deserve it, rioters and looters dont deserve it, but the offer is open to all, that it may change all of our hearts.

the riots

It difficult not to have some kind of response to what has been going on in London and elsewhere in the past couple of days. It brings out so many emotions - anger, annoyance, regret, shame, despair, that it took a good sleep or ten to figure out just what I think about the whole situation, and what I feel, eventually.

So in the news, I've seen the family members of Mark Duggan calling for calm, and indeed stressed in their night vigil with regards to their dead family member, that things should not go to violence. It was never their intent.

However, I know from myself, and from the bible, that sin doesnt need an excuse to manifest itself.

"There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins." Ecclesiastes - 7:20

Sin starts at home, because its the starting nature of mankind. I can see the riots as hideous, an abomination, and abject lawlessness, but that doesn't stop the idea that, it could have been me.

"For one look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ" - Robert Murray M'Cheyne

I could've had their background, their social pressures, the isolation and alienation from the rest of society, that would trigger this expression of human depravity. Surely as much as these rioters are morally deprived, so am I. Blessed and cursed am I that this human nature is more subtle in me, and doesn't resort to smashing windows for my next purchase. But I cannot deny the sinful nature's power, on the whole of mankind, and when I yield, in me too, though Christ works with blood sweat and tears to reverse the process in me. The only one who, hand on heart, could truly say they wouldn't have rioted in their situation, is Jesus Christ.

Also, such an explicit demonstration of violence and wrongdoing is a stark reminder of that there must be something wrong. A symptom never appears from being well. Our society is not at its best. We could have pride in our hearts for seeing the recent events of the violence in the arab spring and say "that would never happen in my country" and let it serve whatever racist aims there is in such thinking, but here it is, looting and violence on our doorstep. Its not a revolution, as much as the free love movement of the 60's wasn't a revolution, it was just sin with a new name, just as this "free stuff movement" is. People don't like diagnoses when they describe something bad, but what will it take for people to see that theres something not right with humanity in the way it seeks things for their own ends and not others, seeks not God, but seeks to be Gods themselves?

My response however, cannot be despair. Never despair. God grants second chances to all who would take them. Yes rioters. Rioters and me in equal measure. In the bible, Simon Peter had a bit of the rioter spirit in him, and look what God did in him.

Jesus said of Peter, "on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it."

Jesus' mission was for the destitute and those who were deprived.

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to set the oppressed free,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” Luke 4:17-19

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

God has the potential in him to swing this around, turn chaos into calm, turn a heart bent on destruction to one that looks on the Lord. It is still his world, and he is still on his throne. He never relinquished control. He allows through the free will built into humanity the ability for people to carry out their choices, for good or ill, but he does not stand by uncaring. He weeps when a country reels.

My response has to be prayer. To seek what God already seeks, restoration, and a chance to show his mercy. He suffers just as much as we do. A god on the cross knows suffering on behalf of all the sins of the world. He personally knows the weight of the lawlessness of his creation, and willingly took it. So he can willingly intervene and play a part in this situation London and elsewhere finds itself in.

what is the point in being proud when it leads a country's citizens down death's corridor?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-14246764

the things i do on my walk home.

i had a mango related thought, since i bought some in the woodley town centre market today.

if you had 5 small mangoes and 2 large mangoes, where the 2 large ones had the equivalent volume of 5 small mangoes, which batch (5 small or 2 large) would have the best mango to stone ratio? i.e. if i got 5 small mangoes, would that have more mango in it than 2 large mangoes of equal volume to the 5?

maybe the stones in large mangoes get larger in proportion to the whole size of the mango. then again, you get more mango skin on 5 small mangoes, so that would give more inedible mango.

drums

ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I had a listen to one of those tracks that always makes me have warm fuzzy drumming feelings want to hit stuff, with style! It has just an unbelievable amount of ingenuity and it gets even more cool to the end.

I remember hearing this in my first year and thinking wow, just wow. Also it made me think I should just quit drumming, because I'll never, ever, be able to play something like this. Oh, but wouldn't be worth a whole day of drumming to try, eh?

stickers put on apples.

the other night i noticed that i had a picture in my mind of an apple that had a sticker on it. you dont see them all that often anymore, but i do remember a time when each individual fruit had a sticker on it with the brand of apple, or where it come from. bananas did it a lot too.

anyway, this thought came to mind, to liken our world to an apple, with it's sticker removed.

if you were as dumb as i was when i was a kid, you also would've taken a bite out of an apple with the sticker still attached and feel the taste of plastic in your mouth, or choke on it, as i sometimes did! after the experience, you wouldn't reckon lightly with eating an apple with the sticker on again.

well, I think of the world like an apple without the sticker, and that the removal of the sticker represents the idea of people rejecting that the world had an owner, that the world came from somewhere and was planted by someone. instead, the world is just an apple and that's all there is to it, and its apparently our right to eat from it as much as we like. the idea of a sticker being on an apple is bitter to the taste of those who wish to eat, and eat only, from the world.

truth is, the sticker tells us what the apple is. imagine the sticker told us not just its company name, but also a notice to beware of the pips. if it is removed, someone somewhere may be eating an apple for the first time, and is just going to eat and eat until they reach the pips and they won't think "oh, i was warned about this", instead they will just go ahead and eat the pips. the pips of an apple contain cyanide, so it's not usually a good idea to eat them.. but if we didnt know about a sticker, then we will just get sick. sick of the apple. sick of eating.

its worth the discomfort (to our own pride) of the presence of the sticker so that we may not encounter blindly with a real harm.

and note, the sticker isnt an affront to eating the apple, but if we just let anything into our mouths then we have a problem. just so, if we let any old thing into our hearts, or if we allow ourselves to accept the unacceptable.

i dont use this as a proof to the existence of god. there is no proof, only persuasion. i just use this to make picture language sense of my beliefs regarding god, and our tendency as human beings to want to do whatever the hell we like, at, ultimately, our own expense and our own ruin.

when i was young, my sister Susanna used to collect all her apple stickers. whenever she ate an apple, she stuck the sticker on the side of a cupboard. it was in its own special way, a pretty sight :) I can't help but smile and chuckle to think of her devotion to such things.. and it reminds me of the purposeful, rightful reverence we can have of god's ownership of the world. his ways are sweeter than the world's. he doesn't say 'don't taste' - he directs our enjoyment, that we may have the best of life, life to the full.

judas had remorse

matthew 26:46-50

"rise, let us be going, my betrayer is at hand."

While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.” Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.

Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend."Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him.

matthew 27:3-5

When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.”

“What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.”

In the past couple of weeks the scriptures regarding Judas has gripped me like nothing else. Why? Because, essentially, Judas is a follower of Jesus, and Judas knew that he betrayed Jesus.

In this Judas is privileged, because knowing that you've grieved someone is far better than doing something that causes someone grief and never knowing that it did, only to find out in an outburst fashion. Usually, knowing about your errors gives a means to make amends. Also, Judas had remorse. Not only was he aware of the sin that he committed, but he wished that he had never done it. Whether he made a good follower or not is not the point, but he would have never had that pull of regret if he had never tasted the joy of being a follower. Conviction is a precious gift God gives him - because it gives the potential to make amends with God, which is just a joy in itself.

Whether it was culture to be like this or not, I am also touched by Jesus, in his last conversation with Judas, calling him 'friend'. To the very end, even in betrayal. If in the tangible version of Judas betraying Jesus by a moment of turning against him, Jesus can still call him friend, so the same with those who have let Jesus down with their actions, he can stand in front of them and still call them friend. His call is to forgive - his call was to the cross, to show that he wants to deal with our sin himself, as if it was his own personal burden to bear. By killing sin along with himself on the cross, Jesus can make friends of sinners, and offer them a chance to be seen as sinless before him. He offers people like Judas the chance to be loved as Jesus loves the father and the Holy Spirit, perfect love that is.

It's sad the story for Judas ends as it does with his death. Its too bad that he didnt turn to God but to those who were supposed to represent him, the people who counselled with him to betray Jesus - and they offered no help. They did not want to see their actions as 'sinning', because they saw Jesus as one which god would be pleased to act against. They did not acknowledge Jesus as even having the rights of a human, in that a human can be sinned against, let alone as a god who sees sin after sin done against him. Instead they offer Judas the words of death; "it is your responsibility".

Noone's life can simply be their own to bear. It's too hard that way. There's too much to try and forget, so much moral gymnastics that we give ourselves injuries just trying to escape. In Jesus we can face the unfaceable, because he is the only one who can take our burdens and not be destroyed. We can give the responsibility of our actions, our words, and our thoughts to him. Giving them to him and saying to him "take over my life" is a freedom unmatched by any pleasure or human right. I am more and more convinced that this Is life.

a cloud player

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-12890677

so basically, media players that allow for online storage are beginning to exist. why is that cool? well, any computer would be able to use it. so its your music collection on any terminal of your choice. at a friends house and want to show them some cool music? easy. in the library and thought you'd be able to do the next 200 words of your essay if only you heard such-and-such a song, and oh it happens to be those obscure ones that doesnt appear on youtube? sure. it has the potential to turn any smartphone device into an mp3 player where space doesnt have to be the issue. sure smartphones are usually good mp3 players anyway, but you could have the choice of all your library, without it even being stored on your phone.

this is a really good idea. we already have it in the form of photos and word documents so the more remote media the better.

if it released in the uk, it would be breaking copyright laws, but copying a cd onto your mp3 player is too which is a bit archaic. its about time the laws caught up a couple of decades and allowed people to listen to music the way they want to.

kingdom of comfort

this entry is about money, and my journey towards having god work many blessings through me in having money to give, and not having money to depend on. i haven't been forthcoming before with my stories to tell about money because i thought it wouldn't help with pride, but i've found god to be a huge encouragement to me in what he's done through egging me on about generosity, so why not.. i give the glory to him, through even the most tangible things he has an invisible hand in.

when i was young, like, properly young, i used to idle my time saving up my pocket money, and then counting it - i think thats probably why i ended up being quite interested in maths. i liked counting my money just for the sport of it, and count it over again. my grandmother recognised this trait in me and said that one day i'd be a bank manager. anyway.. thats my first experience of money. i'd usually end up spending it on pogs or sweets or some such thing. i wanted money, and then one day i overheard once that there wasn't that much of it in my family and that it was a week by week stress for my parents to make ends meet. from that day on i knew what my parents had, and was scared, and felt guilty about all the times i'd pestered them about getting this and that. i was determined that i should not ask for any more from them than what would be comfortable.

so, being from a poor background, i never really had all that much money, so i kept fairly frugal with the way i spent it. when i got to university, things changed because suddenly there was a lot of money made available to me, and while i did at the very start budget each month, the sheer hectic yet carefree ideals of university life crept in, and i started having more fun not looking at my bank balance and kept my conscience in check more by not spending as much as everybody else, or making any outlandish "lets buy a guitar/computer/console/etc" purchases that were drying up the accounts of my friends.

i think the reason i didn't go nuts with the money in university like the rest around me was.. sheer luck, really. i got the whole 'not making money a god' thing, but didn't figure there'd be a joy to be grasped in giving it away, so im surprised that i kept money for seemingly nothing. either way, by the end of university, i ended up having a large amount left still.

i saw this as a problem though, because i didnt want to rely on it. when i graduated, i was looking for a job in Reading because i believed god wanted me to stay in Reading for a time, and thought the whole thing would be mentally easier if actually, instead of Wanting to find a job, i could put myself in the position of Needing to find a job to stay. i thought that being in a position of dependence on God for something that he was talking to me about, would help put a foundation, and also might yield with some motivation to do something to get a result. so, god gave me a heart for something to give to, and i gave half my money away, leaving me with enough get up and go to seek work. It was a blessing to me because it helped motivate me, and im glad the money got put to use rather than, say, paying for me to rot away in a house somewhere until things got really tight.

and the timing! on the day that i moved into my new house after graduation, while i didnt have any means to support myself, i saw a notice for an ideal job post for barnardo's. a month later i get an interview for it, and a month after that i start work. a month after that i get paid. if there was any more time delay than that i would've incurred some bank charges, so god was helping me massively, and so helping me massively in trusting him in everything i need.

all the while, the whole 'giving' experience that got me into this position really stuck and had a big impact. i can only describe it as a buzz. i really wanted the chance to do it again. the chance to do it again would only mean one thing - that god would give me the money to do so.

so...

yes that's right, i prayed that i would receive more money. there is a way of enjoying getting money, and that is through wanting more to give. more to give away, more to bless your town, your community, your church, your cause with. i believe this takes the edge off the hangover that is the prosperity gospel - now, wanting money isnt about having money for your own happiness, but for other people's needs to be met. for other peoples visions to be actualised. for gods plans to have some bricks. for giving him all the glory and giving us none of it. ive often heard the phrase "put your money where your mouth is" and i've always found that to be helpful when i think about the way i want to live out my faith.

i have every intention of carrying on this kind of prayer. its why i intend to go for better paid jobs. its with this in mind that, when the elder of my church spoke on generosity, i got provoked by God to triple my giving to my church, that i may finish well in my remaining 3 months at Reading Family Church. its a danger and a gamble, and will depend completely on god for feasibility, and quite frankly, thats why i like it!

as it stands, tomorrow, i find out whether cancer research uk will accept me or not for a job i had an interview for recently. here's hoping for more chances to give and give.

so, i'm glad god is a provider, not just for the means to eat, live and survive, but also a provider of new, alien thoughts, thoughts that would never come from yourself. of new exciting ways to live, that at first are terribly difficult to yield to, but are infectious once you start. thoughts that make you realise that the spirit of christ is happy to dwell in you and give you chance after chance to try out this sanctification malarkey. 'taste and see that the lord is good.'

while i remember it

I had a dream last night that I was a paperboy doing the rounds on my local estate in my home town of hove. the numbers and street names were written on the corner of each paper, just like I remember when I used to do a paper round, but it wasn't a round that our shop ever did. Also, the paper shop gave me some cash and asked me to buy some drugs up on the estate, told me to look for the house number 59, "I'd know what they meant", they said. Anyway, I delivered some some papers and got up to house number 59, but there wasn't anything there. No sign of any suspicious dudes or anything. But, there was a block of flats with an open door on the corner of the road nearby, so I walked in and I happened to see the owner of the block of flats there at the reception. He went on to tell me that I could live in one of the flats at a rate of 0.99p a day (there were other rates but that was the one that caught my eye in particular). But I figured, I'm living with my parents anyway, would it really save me any money in the long run? (!!!!!)

yeah, thats it. the funny thing is, i would've forgotten about the whole dream completely, if I hadn't seen a paperboy while i was walking to work this morning.

oh, the picture is of boundary road, the road my papershop was on, 1959. I used to love the tesco's on this road for having Loads of old pictures of boundary road like this one, but older still.

a picture

I was a child, and there stood the Lord

next to me. tall, high, higher than I could

see. But, the Lord of all, offered me his

shoulders to sit on. From there I was tall and I

could see everything. But it didn't overly matter

what I could see, because it mattered where I was.

On his shoulders. It matters that through him,

I was tall, something I could never be on my own.

I had no right to be tall, and I was naturally

short as a child anyway. It was the privilege that

God had given me. He has given me the gift of

his presence, and has lifted me up from where i was,

on to his shoulders.

everything around me is viewed differently as a result,

but what matters is where i am sitting.