tomorrow will be better

oh boyo.

in some ways i wish i hadnt gone to 'cloudy days in summer', the reading family church's day dedicated towards looking at mental illness biblically and practically.

before going, i had it in my mind that to give in to admitting depression meant a plethora of things - namely that you admit self-indulgence, and an elitism shared by other people with depression for the grounds to say the very annoying "you can never know what its like", and bearing an unfortunate glorification of being in this state - because when it seems like it's all you have, you cling to sadness with all your might. some talk of wanting to escape, but if people were free from depression, there is always the idea that you can sorely miss it. preaches and books often ask us to look deep into ourselves and be honest about knowing your personal idols. what if you identify your idols to be "sadness, despair and isolation"? all this talk of 'i cant help it', what if you 'can help it'??

however, this isnt the biblical approach to mental illness, and certainly 'cloudy days in summer' was out to destroy these ideas. it turns out depression is not a sinful state, no more than being human is a sinful state. the problem with that, in my mind though, is that you can then allow it, and justify it, when it wants to appear on the scene again. i had safeguards to make sure that i never fell back, feeling guilty about feeling guilty worked pretty well to quash any signs of it. but it turns out this safeguard was never the way that god wished me to approach the idea. its very very clear to me that i need a safeguard. but if i let a false one down, is there not the danger of leaving your mind "like an empty house" for demons and all their friends to come invite themselves in. in a way, this is the price you pay for letting yourself be transformed by the renewing of the mind through scriptures. it sends you back to the throne of God, back to mere faith in Him that He wont let it happen.