judas had remorse

matthew 26:46-50

"rise, let us be going, my betrayer is at hand."

While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: “The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.” Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him.

Jesus replied, “Do what you came for, friend."Then the men stepped forward, seized Jesus and arrested him.

matthew 27:3-5

When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.”

“What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.”

In the past couple of weeks the scriptures regarding Judas has gripped me like nothing else. Why? Because, essentially, Judas is a follower of Jesus, and Judas knew that he betrayed Jesus.

In this Judas is privileged, because knowing that you've grieved someone is far better than doing something that causes someone grief and never knowing that it did, only to find out in an outburst fashion. Usually, knowing about your errors gives a means to make amends. Also, Judas had remorse. Not only was he aware of the sin that he committed, but he wished that he had never done it. Whether he made a good follower or not is not the point, but he would have never had that pull of regret if he had never tasted the joy of being a follower. Conviction is a precious gift God gives him - because it gives the potential to make amends with God, which is just a joy in itself.

Whether it was culture to be like this or not, I am also touched by Jesus, in his last conversation with Judas, calling him 'friend'. To the very end, even in betrayal. If in the tangible version of Judas betraying Jesus by a moment of turning against him, Jesus can still call him friend, so the same with those who have let Jesus down with their actions, he can stand in front of them and still call them friend. His call is to forgive - his call was to the cross, to show that he wants to deal with our sin himself, as if it was his own personal burden to bear. By killing sin along with himself on the cross, Jesus can make friends of sinners, and offer them a chance to be seen as sinless before him. He offers people like Judas the chance to be loved as Jesus loves the father and the Holy Spirit, perfect love that is.

It's sad the story for Judas ends as it does with his death. Its too bad that he didnt turn to God but to those who were supposed to represent him, the people who counselled with him to betray Jesus - and they offered no help. They did not want to see their actions as 'sinning', because they saw Jesus as one which god would be pleased to act against. They did not acknowledge Jesus as even having the rights of a human, in that a human can be sinned against, let alone as a god who sees sin after sin done against him. Instead they offer Judas the words of death; "it is your responsibility".

Noone's life can simply be their own to bear. It's too hard that way. There's too much to try and forget, so much moral gymnastics that we give ourselves injuries just trying to escape. In Jesus we can face the unfaceable, because he is the only one who can take our burdens and not be destroyed. We can give the responsibility of our actions, our words, and our thoughts to him. Giving them to him and saying to him "take over my life" is a freedom unmatched by any pleasure or human right. I am more and more convinced that this Is life.

a cloud player

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-12890677

so basically, media players that allow for online storage are beginning to exist. why is that cool? well, any computer would be able to use it. so its your music collection on any terminal of your choice. at a friends house and want to show them some cool music? easy. in the library and thought you'd be able to do the next 200 words of your essay if only you heard such-and-such a song, and oh it happens to be those obscure ones that doesnt appear on youtube? sure. it has the potential to turn any smartphone device into an mp3 player where space doesnt have to be the issue. sure smartphones are usually good mp3 players anyway, but you could have the choice of all your library, without it even being stored on your phone.

this is a really good idea. we already have it in the form of photos and word documents so the more remote media the better.

if it released in the uk, it would be breaking copyright laws, but copying a cd onto your mp3 player is too which is a bit archaic. its about time the laws caught up a couple of decades and allowed people to listen to music the way they want to.

kingdom of comfort

this entry is about money, and my journey towards having god work many blessings through me in having money to give, and not having money to depend on. i haven't been forthcoming before with my stories to tell about money because i thought it wouldn't help with pride, but i've found god to be a huge encouragement to me in what he's done through egging me on about generosity, so why not.. i give the glory to him, through even the most tangible things he has an invisible hand in.

when i was young, like, properly young, i used to idle my time saving up my pocket money, and then counting it - i think thats probably why i ended up being quite interested in maths. i liked counting my money just for the sport of it, and count it over again. my grandmother recognised this trait in me and said that one day i'd be a bank manager. anyway.. thats my first experience of money. i'd usually end up spending it on pogs or sweets or some such thing. i wanted money, and then one day i overheard once that there wasn't that much of it in my family and that it was a week by week stress for my parents to make ends meet. from that day on i knew what my parents had, and was scared, and felt guilty about all the times i'd pestered them about getting this and that. i was determined that i should not ask for any more from them than what would be comfortable.

so, being from a poor background, i never really had all that much money, so i kept fairly frugal with the way i spent it. when i got to university, things changed because suddenly there was a lot of money made available to me, and while i did at the very start budget each month, the sheer hectic yet carefree ideals of university life crept in, and i started having more fun not looking at my bank balance and kept my conscience in check more by not spending as much as everybody else, or making any outlandish "lets buy a guitar/computer/console/etc" purchases that were drying up the accounts of my friends.

i think the reason i didn't go nuts with the money in university like the rest around me was.. sheer luck, really. i got the whole 'not making money a god' thing, but didn't figure there'd be a joy to be grasped in giving it away, so im surprised that i kept money for seemingly nothing. either way, by the end of university, i ended up having a large amount left still.

i saw this as a problem though, because i didnt want to rely on it. when i graduated, i was looking for a job in Reading because i believed god wanted me to stay in Reading for a time, and thought the whole thing would be mentally easier if actually, instead of Wanting to find a job, i could put myself in the position of Needing to find a job to stay. i thought that being in a position of dependence on God for something that he was talking to me about, would help put a foundation, and also might yield with some motivation to do something to get a result. so, god gave me a heart for something to give to, and i gave half my money away, leaving me with enough get up and go to seek work. It was a blessing to me because it helped motivate me, and im glad the money got put to use rather than, say, paying for me to rot away in a house somewhere until things got really tight.

and the timing! on the day that i moved into my new house after graduation, while i didnt have any means to support myself, i saw a notice for an ideal job post for barnardo's. a month later i get an interview for it, and a month after that i start work. a month after that i get paid. if there was any more time delay than that i would've incurred some bank charges, so god was helping me massively, and so helping me massively in trusting him in everything i need.

all the while, the whole 'giving' experience that got me into this position really stuck and had a big impact. i can only describe it as a buzz. i really wanted the chance to do it again. the chance to do it again would only mean one thing - that god would give me the money to do so.

so...

yes that's right, i prayed that i would receive more money. there is a way of enjoying getting money, and that is through wanting more to give. more to give away, more to bless your town, your community, your church, your cause with. i believe this takes the edge off the hangover that is the prosperity gospel - now, wanting money isnt about having money for your own happiness, but for other people's needs to be met. for other peoples visions to be actualised. for gods plans to have some bricks. for giving him all the glory and giving us none of it. ive often heard the phrase "put your money where your mouth is" and i've always found that to be helpful when i think about the way i want to live out my faith.

i have every intention of carrying on this kind of prayer. its why i intend to go for better paid jobs. its with this in mind that, when the elder of my church spoke on generosity, i got provoked by God to triple my giving to my church, that i may finish well in my remaining 3 months at Reading Family Church. its a danger and a gamble, and will depend completely on god for feasibility, and quite frankly, thats why i like it!

as it stands, tomorrow, i find out whether cancer research uk will accept me or not for a job i had an interview for recently. here's hoping for more chances to give and give.

so, i'm glad god is a provider, not just for the means to eat, live and survive, but also a provider of new, alien thoughts, thoughts that would never come from yourself. of new exciting ways to live, that at first are terribly difficult to yield to, but are infectious once you start. thoughts that make you realise that the spirit of christ is happy to dwell in you and give you chance after chance to try out this sanctification malarkey. 'taste and see that the lord is good.'