this entry is about money, and my journey towards having god work many blessings through me in having money to give, and not having money to depend on. i haven't been forthcoming before with my stories to tell about money because i thought it wouldn't help with pride, but i've found god to be a huge encouragement to me in what he's done through egging me on about generosity, so why not.. i give the glory to him, through even the most tangible things he has an invisible hand in.
when i was young, like, properly young, i used to idle my time saving up my pocket money, and then counting it - i think thats probably why i ended up being quite interested in maths. i liked counting my money just for the sport of it, and count it over again. my grandmother recognised this trait in me and said that one day i'd be a bank manager. anyway.. thats my first experience of money. i'd usually end up spending it on pogs or sweets or some such thing. i wanted money, and then one day i overheard once that there wasn't that much of it in my family and that it was a week by week stress for my parents to make ends meet. from that day on i knew what my parents had, and was scared, and felt guilty about all the times i'd pestered them about getting this and that. i was determined that i should not ask for any more from them than what would be comfortable.
so, being from a poor background, i never really had all that much money, so i kept fairly frugal with the way i spent it. when i got to university, things changed because suddenly there was a lot of money made available to me, and while i did at the very start budget each month, the sheer hectic yet carefree ideals of university life crept in, and i started having more fun not looking at my bank balance and kept my conscience in check more by not spending as much as everybody else, or making any outlandish "lets buy a guitar/computer/console/etc" purchases that were drying up the accounts of my friends.
i think the reason i didn't go nuts with the money in university like the rest around me was.. sheer luck, really. i got the whole 'not making money a god' thing, but didn't figure there'd be a joy to be grasped in giving it away, so im surprised that i kept money for seemingly nothing. either way, by the end of university, i ended up having a large amount left still.
i saw this as a problem though, because i didnt want to rely on it. when i graduated, i was looking for a job in Reading because i believed god wanted me to stay in Reading for a time, and thought the whole thing would be mentally easier if actually, instead of Wanting to find a job, i could put myself in the position of Needing to find a job to stay. i thought that being in a position of dependence on God for something that he was talking to me about, would help put a foundation, and also might yield with some motivation to do something to get a result. so, god gave me a heart for something to give to, and i gave half my money away, leaving me with enough get up and go to seek work. It was a blessing to me because it helped motivate me, and im glad the money got put to use rather than, say, paying for me to rot away in a house somewhere until things got really tight.
and the timing! on the day that i moved into my new house after graduation, while i didnt have any means to support myself, i saw a notice for an ideal job post for barnardo's. a month later i get an interview for it, and a month after that i start work. a month after that i get paid. if there was any more time delay than that i would've incurred some bank charges, so god was helping me massively, and so helping me massively in trusting him in everything i need.
all the while, the whole 'giving' experience that got me into this position really stuck and had a big impact. i can only describe it as a buzz. i really wanted the chance to do it again. the chance to do it again would only mean one thing - that god would give me the money to do so.
so...
yes that's right, i prayed that i would receive more money. there is a way of enjoying getting money, and that is through wanting more to give. more to give away, more to bless your town, your community, your church, your cause with. i believe this takes the edge off the hangover that is the prosperity gospel - now, wanting money isnt about having money for your own happiness, but for other people's needs to be met. for other peoples visions to be actualised. for gods plans to have some bricks. for giving him all the glory and giving us none of it. ive often heard the phrase "put your money where your mouth is" and i've always found that to be helpful when i think about the way i want to live out my faith.
i have every intention of carrying on this kind of prayer. its why i intend to go for better paid jobs. its with this in mind that, when the elder of my church spoke on generosity, i got provoked by God to triple my giving to my church, that i may finish well in my remaining 3 months at Reading Family Church. its a danger and a gamble, and will depend completely on god for feasibility, and quite frankly, thats why i like it!
as it stands, tomorrow, i find out whether cancer research uk will accept me or not for a job i had an interview for recently. here's hoping for more chances to give and give.
so, i'm glad god is a provider, not just for the means to eat, live and survive, but also a provider of new, alien thoughts, thoughts that would never come from yourself. of new exciting ways to live, that at first are terribly difficult to yield to, but are infectious once you start. thoughts that make you realise that the spirit of christ is happy to dwell in you and give you chance after chance to try out this sanctification malarkey. 'taste and see that the lord is good.'
