Friday, 19 February 2016

An experience

It's actually been a very long time since I last checked in to blog. It's been an age.

So many things have happened and not happened since this time. I am a different person to who I used to be in my older blog entries - it makes me sad. There is so much wisdom in there that it makes me think a devolution has taken place. Yet, there is a chance for change, I hope.

You may or may not know, but one of the main changes in my life is that I am now seperated and do not live with Rachel. This has come as a larger blow than I could ever have accounted for, and yet it has happened. We still remain in contact from time to time, but there is no existing relationship that comes with marriage.

Having gone through this relationship breakdown, it homes in on how powerless I am in and of myself. Really, all of the wisdom of my older years was not enough to prepare me for what came and it has rocked my foundations, of faith, existence, happiness. I feel like in the years between 2012 and now, I strayed, drew myself further and further away from God and his will.

What am I left with? Lots of choice, I suppose. There are many paths that my life could take now. However, there are no choices I want to make at this stage. I thought I knew God, but I don't think God in these moments can be known - he can only be guessed at.

The God that I once relished, I'm not sure where I stand with him. Knowing his stance on marriage, knowing his take on suffering. It doesn't equate to knowing him in these moments. Half the time I am asking for his help in my loneliness, and the other half is spent in anguish with him for everything that has happened.

These years have been an experience, but right now I don't have the mental capacity to evaluate what these years were for, if anything, and what I should take from this going forward.

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